Liar Liar

My favorite line in an email I got today was - You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

So true, so true. And what is so funny is that many times everyone else can see your lying to yourself and thinking your getting away with it, and they are usually just too polite to point it out anyway.

But why would I lie to myself?
Alas, I feel it has something to do with mirrors and mircophones. I would lie to myself because

I LOVE MYSELF MORE THAN I LOVE GOD.

I know when my actions or words are not the reflection of a vessel submitted to God's love flowing through me. I suppose in those moments I would rather not look in the mirror or listen to what God is saying so He has to resort to the microphone as of late. As I said earlier, I have agreed to listen without microphones, so life is much more peaceful these days.

GOD says, in Romans chapter 14—every man must be persuaded in his own mind that what he is doing is right. Happy is the man who is not condemned in his own heart in that thing he is allowing himself to do.

This feels like a perfect illustration of how I was functioning before I realized the manner in which God has been communicating with me lately. Well probably for my entire life, but I just got it. Obviously my actions were based on the belief however flawed it was, that it was okay to control my own environment and judge myself and others on how life was going. But in reality, I knew there wasn't authentic joy and peace under the surface. And nothing in my own power could provide that. So even in my own mind while I was trying to "persuade myself that what I was doing was right", God's was speaking and He was loving me and patiently waiting for me to choose to listen.

Why was I created?

Why was I created? Why did God save me? So that I can work for God and someday I will go to heaven? That seems crazy, that is like saying that the reason I am on earth is to have a successful life and live in Texas.

As I mulled this over, I thought about God creating Adam and placing him in the garden. Yes he was placed there to care for God's creation on earth. But it was caring for the place God had provided for him. The place where they dwelt together. God also blessed him with companionship.

As I compare this to my own existence and the purpose for my creation, I am left with one conclusion. I was created to love and to be loved in return. Exclusively with God.
I WAS CREATED TO LOVE GOD AND TO BE LOVED BY GOD IN RETURN.
Nothing else, how amazing is that? The whole reason for my existence was taken away with Adam, leaving me to try to get my need for love met under my own control. But it was returned to me by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, He restored my relationship with God. My whole existence simultaneously is exclusively about God AND me. He saved me so that I would no longer be separated from God and His love and I can love Him and experience His love in return.

So what does this look like here on earth. I see that every minute of my day God is in relationship with me. An intimate, loving relationship. He has blessed me with the companionship of my family and friends to that I can experience His love through them. He also uses my experience with others to speak to ME about OUR love relationship. He is simultaneously carrying on a personal conversation on every side of any event. Every time I submit as a vessel and allow Him to use me as a way for others to experience His love, it is my conversation with Him, my act of worship, the purpose for which I was created, to love God.

The Tree of Knowledge

WHAT IS WRONG WITH KNOWLEDGE? Recently I was asked about my fruit. Specifically if my fruit was born from the Tree of Knowlege of good and evil or the Tree of Life. I responded with what's wrong with knowledge? In an instant I could see how easy it was for satan to deceive Adam and Eve. God is the source of eternal life and blessing. Adam and Eve were to have their life centered in Him, not on deciding what is good and bad. If my fruit is from the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil than am I taking control of the judgement seatfrom God? God has already told us there is good and evil in the world and He will judge. All I have to do is believe and take my hands off of it. I do not want to bear fruit from the tree of Knowledge.

The Tree of Life. In Ezekiel 47:12 it refers to trees whose ‘fruit will be for food and their leaves for healing’. In Proverbs there are references to things as ‘a tree of life’ (wisdom (3:15), the fruit of the righteous (11:30), desire fulfilled (13:12), and a soothing tongue (15:4)) that the Tree of Life in these brings joy and healing to people. That is the tree I want my fruit to come from Lord.

How am I different?

Over the course of the last several years I have been praying with people through a process called Theophostic prayer. I have listened to hurting people go to places that they have been unloved or unwanted. It could be something as simple as feeling all alone in the world or some kind of abuse. Both simple and seemingly catastrophic events leave the same wounds. All wounds bleed not just the bad ones.

Last week I had an intense conversation with God about why others do things that hurt people. (Did you notice I didn't start this conversation by looking in the mirror? Not to worry, my slow learning will catch up to me eventually.) So essentially I started out by trying to GOSSIP. It is insane how quickly my self righteousness creeps in my thoughts, even in a conversation with GOD. I was trying to tell Him how flawed His magnificent creations really were, how their choices and actions hurt me. Guess what, he didn't want to talk about them! He wanted to talk about me.

He asked me this question. How are you different than them? I was a victim once, I had been hurt by sexual abuse as a small child. The thoughts came to my mind of people we had prayed with: those who had been hurt by sexual abuse, infidelity, pornography, violence, neglect, judgement, and the list goes on and on.... I thought about the people that had inflicted those wounds. How was I different?

Again God brought me to control. I see now that all of these people have one thing in common, they were all trying to get their own needs met under their own power and control. If any of our thoughts are self focused than we justify our actions under the notion that we should be allowed to meet our own needs. That is how satan deceives and uses those actions to wound others.

So, do I function in the same way? Taking control of areas in my life to get my own needs met instead of trusting that God is my provider and protector? Yes, I had fallen for the deception that my needs and happiness are a priority just the same as every man that was born unto Adam. So no, I AM NO DIFFERENT. But God, I rebelled, their offenses, they seem more grievous than mine. Judgement, He responded. I realize in that moment again, I believe I am better than them, because I would not do THAT. There is no difference, I am no different than a murderer or an abuser or anyone else because the offense is thinking that my life is about me and my needs and desires.

No more microphones

God has been giving me metaphorical mirrors as of late. He also has graciously enabled me to hear clearly what is really going on by using a microphone so His voice is amplified these days. As I have said earlier, it is much easier for me to pretend my mirrors are glass windows. I want to think God is trying to show me the person holding that mirror and how they need me to help them become a better person or to pray for them. Obviously I have been unwilling in some way to actually look in the mirror He is providing and go to that place with God. Perhaps I believe God created me to help others, but I am pretty sure He doesn't really NEED me to help, so what is it. Okay, God I am listening, no more microphones.

Mirrors

Back to the mirror again. It is there in front of me multiple times a day. It is dawning on me that this is God's primary communication tool for our relationship. As I walk through my day and the people he calls me to interact with I see He is speaking to me every day, all day. One example occured the other day while I was interacting with a verizon phone tech. She was informing me that I had declined insurance on a replacement phone two months ago and this problem really wasn't covered. I could feel myself reacting and wanting to allow something other than love to spew forth. In that moment God gently tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to go with Him to look into the mirror that this vessel (the verizon tech) was holding up for me. God was calling me to a conversation about why I was feeling these emotions and what beliefs were fueling them. Why did I feel justified in allowing anything to flow out of me toward one of God's magnificent creations other than love? Perhaps I had chosen to take control of getting my own perceived needs met and my needs clearly were not being met. Perhaps I decided my needs were more important than God's desire for them to experience His love through me. Then in the instant it took for me to submit my will to His all emotion related to the situation left me. I saw the experience for what it was, another vessel being used as a mirror for God to have a personal conversation with me. As I walk through each day, I marvel at the simultaneous simplicity and intricasies of God and all His creation. It is my walk of worship with Him.

The Big JC

The Big JC Judgement and Control. That is the theme of my conversation with God lately.

I already got it that control is really an illusion and I am daily taking my hands off anything that is revealed to me that I still have my little strings of control on, so judgement is the next section of my curriculum apparently.

God is speaking to me through all creation, including my relationships with other people. One recent situation that I encountered has taught me alot about myself. It all started innocently enough, a friend fabricated a story to cover something they were ashamed for the world to know. That falsehood ignited judgement and then gossip. Gossip led to more judgement and unforgiveness. Which led to more judgement and strife. As I was called to respond for the other person's actions, God spoke to me about the situation itself and my reaction to it.

I myself did not react negatively, this was a direct resut of God dealing with me recently on not encouraging another to seek my approval for their actions. That person is God's amazing creation and their whole existence here is about their relationship with Him. If I feel they need to earn my approval then I am standing in the way of that relationship. I can also see then that I am desiring for them to look to man not to God for their worth. I am taking God's place and choosing to sit in judgement of whether their treatment of myself and others is acceptable, and how successful they are at accomplishing what I think they should be doing. That is me taking control of God's job of guiding and directing them for His purposes.

I wonder what would have happened if the person had never experienced judgement before that day, would they have felt compelled to create a falsehood? What did they believe would happen if they spoke truth or nothing at all? Could it be they feared being judged unacceptable in some way?

I realize that I have been very deceived. I have always considered it a great blessing that I am not a judgemental person, very forgiving and accepting. Did you catch that? Very FORGIVING and ACCEPTING. Interesting how God holds up the mirror to speak to me about myself and all I want to do is peek around it to look around at others faults. Get that mirror out of the way God, I can't see!

Then revelation, I was judgemental. If I wasn't judging why did I need to be forgiving and accepting of their faults. Somehow I was comparing and making sure my faults were not as bad as their faults. I was being God's little helper, judging and then acknowedging their flaws. Perhaps I believed I was being used by God to counsel them or trying to help them become a better person. Ha! Perhaps he was using them to hold up the mirror so He could counsel me and try to help me become a better vessel of His love.

My Flickr Mosaic

1. What is your first name? Andrea
2. What is your favorite food? Popcorn
3. What high school did you go to? Westchester
4. What is your favorite color? Blue
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Will Smith
6. Favorite drink? Coffee

7. Dream vacation? Australia

8. Favorite dessert? Chocolate Cheesecake
9. What you want to be when you grow up? Counselor
10. What do you love most in life? Jesus
11. One Word to describe you? Vessel
12. Your flickr name? wcwhite13

Peace

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace the man whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

My joy and peace are no one's responsibility but my own. If I place expectations on any person, including myself, or hold them responsible for my needs, it is wrong. No rudeness, no rejection, no injustice committed by anyone can rob me of my joy and my peace...unless I let it.

My joy and peace come from my love relationship with God and Jesus Christ. I know that He will be faithful to me forever and that He will never leave me. My joy is in knowing that I am loved more than I can comprehend. I choose to return His love by being totally submitted to be used as His vessel. I willingly submit to allow Him to show the same love He gives me to others even if He wants to use me to show His love to someone I really don't care for much. He has already saved me from this world and I am dead to it, so why should I think of myself first or allow it to influence my mind.

I need to remember that life is not about me but about Him. I think instead of focusing on my circumstances or the people around me, I will immerse myself in the promises God made to me. I do not need to notice their mistakes and I should not be affected by their misjudgments of me or my family. In doing this I find that I exchange the happiness I tried to produce by doing good things when I first became a christian for authentic joy and peace that remains unchanged regardless of whats happening . But it is up to me, for only I choose what I believe and whom I will listen to.

My way, my precious.

Romans 8:4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

My way! That's what I have programmed into myself all these years. Walking after the flesh. I have chosen to attempt to get all my needs met without God's help, instead of seeking God first and trusting Him to meet them. I know, I know, I was just being a good christian and lightening God's load, I only need to ask help from Him when its really big. Essentially I let God know he could save me, but I was going to be in charge of my life and the god of the things I wanted to handle because He had bigger things to take care of. I wanted a savior but not a Lord. Reminds me of the "the Precious" in the Lord of the Rings. It slowly convinced the bearer that the only thing that really mattered was itself. Only my precious is my life, my family, my time, . . .any area that I am trying to exert control in. Just like the characters in the movie, I was deceived into believing I didn't need a Lord I was doing good on my own with my precious. When I look to man or some earthly substance to meet my needs for love and provision, I am essentially cutting God out of the picture. Pretty harsh I know but sometimes the truth aint pretty for me.

Is control really an illusion

Wow God is downloading these days. I am not concerned with what He is up to, just trying to submit and allow myself to be led. Take this scripture for example.

I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. Matthew 18:18-19

God has been dealing with me on the issue of control. What issues have I attached control to here on earth? My family members, my friends, my provision, what I eat? I have been thinking about the difference between caring and control or teaching and control. This scripture speaks to me today in a totally different way than it has before. Am I binding these things on earth? Essentially I am taking control of (binding) these under my own power rather than allowing God control. This, I realize is not going to turn out well for me or anyone involved.

Are there people and circumstances in my life that I am trying to influence or control? Now I know there are many who would not like the word "control" and many who know me would not consider me a controlling person. But the answer to the question unfortunately is Yes.

Am I allowing myself to totally be used as a vessel to communicate God's love? The answer is complicated by my selfish bent. I believe I am doing and saying things in order for there to be the best outcome for all concerned. I realize now that unless God is speaking through me as a submitted vessel, with no input or words from myself, then my actions are selfish in some way. My actions reveal that I may believe that I know better than the other person what is best for them. So I am encouraging them to look to me rather than to God for their knowledge and provision. In essence I am telling God "I got this one, I will help you out here." I realize now that my God is a big, bad God that can handle it all on His own and all I have to do is submit to a 24/7 relationship with Him and allow Him to speak through me as He sees fit. Wow scary look in the mirror wouldn't you say? I am trying to process the information God is reavealing to me so I can assimilate it into my life.

Lord I realize that the Son of God was manifested to destroy the works of the devil to the very depths of hell. And in this moment, I choose to let go and loose the bonds of control I have placed on the people and circumstances in my life here on earth. I totally submit to you as a vessel and release control of any person or thing that I might have tried to help you out with. I know that you are sovreign and trust you to speak to them any time or place regarding their choices and behavior. I confess that is not my "job" here on earth and by doing that I basically thought I was smarter than you. I loose the manifestations of Jesus, the Son of God, in these areas tearing to pieces every design of the devil in the kingdom of darkness.

It's not about me, or maybe it is?

Does God communicate to me through all creation? Yes, He does! I was pondering what that really means by looking at my own experiences just in the last 24 hours.

God has definitely been working with me to see my own selfishness in my thoughts and actions as I walk through my everyday life. He woke me early after just four hours sleep today, my first thought was about me. Why so little God? I could see that I was immediately focused inwardly on me. He was gently showing me my selfishness. I ignored Him and tried to recover my slumber state, after several minutes of tossing and turning I willing submitted that maybe God had other plans. Even if I wanted to say it was just my body not cooperating, I would have to remember that God is the mighty creator of my body, it is HIS, and He uses it for His plans and purposes.

I prayed for those close to me and my family, pondering what He may have for them today. But He didn't share that with me. Funny, I am realizing that He only talks to me about ME! Amazing isn't it? Each time I find myself in that situation lately I see that my reaction to someone else's behavior is just God using that person he lovingly created to have a conversation with me. But the funny thing is He is desparately trying to allow me to see an area within me that has a hidden place that I have tried to protect myself, with my own power. The whole interaction is actually designed to allow me the space to see myself in a mirror. Anything I am saying to another person is actually me communicating back to God. I always am thinking God needs a little help noticing other peoples problems and flaws, but He is actually showing me we are all flawed. If anyone was perfect, why would we need God?

Listening

In June 2007 I made a trip to Florida for a Theophostic prayer conference. For the first time in my life I sat and focused on what God wanted to say instead of winging it off my interpretation of the Bible. The following is the prophecy he gave me three words at a time.

Father’s supplication, no struggle, no offense owed
Listen to the still small voice.
One small thing.
I will know the coming and the going.
I will show you my ways.
This is for you.
And I will break down walls.
There is an ocean.
Millions of rocks shattered and spread across.
And you shall be called.
There is a book that is learned.
Trust me with this task.

Rain and fountains flowing like sand.
There is but one path.
A blade (the bible) in the dark provides the light.
My word is the path into their hearts.
My love shall suffice.
For all is possible with God.
Do not forget these truths in times of darkness.
I am light, this you know.
Many shall fall along the way.
Do not be burdened with this sadness.
Water droplets millions of drops.
What we shall see will not pass away.
In time you will know the purpose of this time.
For you can see what shall pass.
The thread can pass through any place that I desire.
The path is the one I will choose for you to travel.
This you know.

Hey there humanity!

Hey there this is my first blog, thanks for joining me. I will use this format to ramble on about my attempt at Theocaching. A term I came up with from my avid commitment to Theophostic prayer and my daughter's momentary fascination with geocaching. Theo is the greek root meaning God, and a cache means a hiding place used especially for storing provisions. A place for concealment and safekeeping, as of valuables. Theophostice prayer is an isolated time of prayer and an ongoing conversation with God to find the lies that are buried in our experiences. Geocaching is using latitude and longitude coordinates and a GPS to find things that others have hidden. For me Theocaching is finding the hiding places in my life that God is prompting me to look at and listening to what He has to say about those areas. It is my ongoing relationship with Him and I will try to share the conversations here.