Opposition

2 Timothy 25 Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.

Actions-Malcolm Smith

My actions are only belated announcements of what I have been thinking.

I Talk Too Much

Every problem I have is because I am the center of my world and not God. I realize through helping others hear God's voice in Theophostic Prayer that God is speaking to me all day long. He pursues me longing for spiritual connection. He desires my full attention, but I am too busy focusing on my life. There are many days I talk to Him instead of with Him. If I feel something is lacking, I see I am trying to use my mind to make things go my way, being lord or my kingdom. I am deceived into self focused. I am created for the presence of Christ but I have forgotten He is in me and I am in Him. He alone is in charge, and that is best. If I am not pursuing my father and connecting with Him, I will become distracted and focus on myself. I want to be aware of His presence so I can see His full intentions for me. As I do this I have no doubts that God is with me and for me. What more could I need? His voice is the only one I need to hear, not my own.

Sin and Peace

I heard the statement recently every sin begins with a lie about God that is accepted as truth. I am allowing God to shine His light into my heart to reveal any area where I believe God is not enough. It is difficult to go to these places, for satan throws up lies of anger at others or shame at my own actions to keep me from opening my heart to truth. He tells me I need to take care of things on my own, I have to protect myself or control things for me to have happiness or peace. I know the depth of this deception and that is all that satan has, lies. I have experienced the peace and freedom that comes from the experiencing God's truth. The true healing that comes, healing that has no pain. The pain and shame, all gone. Only peace that remains. Peace that passes the world's understanding. Philippians 4:7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

His Presence

As I walk through my day, it is Christ's body that I direct. In all that I do, I am asking Him to partake with me. If I think negative thoughts toward someone, I am asking Him to share in that with me. As I realize this, I understand only wanting pure thoughts in my mind. I want to only listen to and watch wholesome things. And God calls to mind the scripture in Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. As I walk through the day, I meditate on this. I ask myself, Am I focused on Him to the extent that I am aware of His presence more than my own? Is this what it means to die to myself daily? To be aware that I am asking Jesus to experience life here on earth through me. As I am aware of how much He loves me, I only desire goodness and peace to come from my actions and thoughts.

Relationship

I realize I can't change myself. There is an empty place inside of me that I can't fill. I was made for relationship. The confusing thing is, the world tells me to seek that relationship here with other broken vessels. As I enter into these relationships, I find I get hurt, they are messy. I end up feeling betrayed, used, rejected and abandoned on some level. The empty place inside of me is still empty and I have baggage stacked in front of the wall I have erected around that empty place that I so desperately want filled. But since there is a barrier there, neither man nor God can fill that place. As God has taken me along this healing journey to wholeness, He has asked me to tear down the wall and to allow Him to take the burden of the baggage. He has shown me what a real relationship involves, allowing Him to fill the place He created in me. As I rest in my relationship with Him and open my heart to His love and truth, there is never judgement or condemnation there. Real relationship involves giving and receiving love without barriers to vulnerability, being me and allowing another to be them in their frailty, not expecting that they be perfect for us to continue. I in my imperfect human form, can attempt to emulate God's love in my earthly relationships. I know that even though my intentions are good, this will fail. I find myself looking at their flaws and wanting them to get their healing, but not expecting the same standard for myself. If it is done under my own power and control, I will end up failing those I love, because I am human and broken. Knowing that it is our very brokenness that brings us to our Father's feet for healing, I am at peace with this. If I will allow God to love those that are so important to me through my vessel, His love will not fail them. He alone can love them unconditionally through me. I cannot know or provide the things they need to have their empty place filled, because that place is reserved for their relationship with God alone. Any attempt on my part will be a poor replicate that will only bring the pain of loneliness in the end. I trust Him alone, for He is the healer and the only path to our wholeness.

Peace

Peace comes to me by seeing things through God's perspective. I acknowledge that all that I have and all that I am is part of Him, my life is a testimony of His presence. This was the thought God brought to me recently. I meditated on it for several days and then He led me to John 15:5,8 I am the vine; you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him he will bear much fruit apart from me you can do nothing. This is for my Father's glory, showing you to be my disciples. So my challenge is to focus on Him and what He is doing through me at any given moment. I have nothing apart from Him, no material possession, no relationship, no accomplishment, it is all a gift. My peace comes from understanding my position in Him. I am an honored guest invited to observe His magnificent interaction with humanity that He touches through my submitted vessel.

Lonliness

All behavior that is not God directed is an attempt to avoid the pain of loneliness. I pondered this thought for a while. So when I act on my own and not under God's direction and authority I am actually not trusting that God is with me or for me. And yet any action apart from God's will in and of itself invite satan's lies that I am alone. By choosing not to listen to His voice but my own, I choose to be my own god and create an environment of solitude, which is the essence of loneliness. I believe that I must take action to ensure my happiness, revealing my true belief that God is not enough for me. But these very actions set up a lose/lose situation in my life, I can't heal myself, and I am not trusting that God can or would heal me. If I stay in this place I am screwed, doomed to failure. Am I not getting freedom because of my will? Am I staying in my current position because I am choosing not to address the things God is revealing to me in my life that don't line up with His truth? Procrastination is just my way of trying to escape the fear of being exposed as a failure. The choice to procrastinate actually is a failure to face whatever it is I am avoiding. Each time I am angry, confused, frustrated or hurt I realize God is pursuing me to turn to Him for healing. I want to open my heart to the truth of the things He so desperately wants to heal in me. I am so thankful He continues to pursue me in spite of my stubborn resistance. He knows whats best and that there is true peace on the other side of that healing.

Who Am I?

I have struggled with the phrase "Fear God". Every time I encounter God, I see nothing to fear. He is endlessly merciful, compassionate and kind. Psalm 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. He has been with us every second since before creation. Ephesians 1:4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love. He lovingly created me in His infinite wisdom to perfection that only He understands. John 17:24 "Father, I want those you have given me, to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Things I see as imperfect, He has a use and purpose for His glory. Who Am I to sit on the throne of Jesus Christ and judge myself and others? Who Am I to cast Jesus aside and hold offense at anothers actions that were wrought from a deceived heart? Who Am I to hold others to any expectations? I should be in fear for my life for I have walked in all of these. But no, He forgives me. Another word for fear is awe. I understand and am in awe of a God who could still love me as I selfishly tried to sit on a throne that I gave no sacrifice for. I understand "Fear God" now.

The Cross

I have been on a journey to the cross. I accepted the cross many years ago as my ticket to heaven. I believed that Jesus died to forgive me of my sins so I could go to heaven. And even though this life had crap laced throughout everyday, I would have real peace and joy when I left this place and returned to my father. The enormity of this deception has awoken me this morning. I died the day I accepted Jesus. Each time I took His throne to focus on and glorify my self, I was dismissing the work He did for me that day. He died for all my sins, the life I tried to live FOR God, all the work I did to save others, my frailty, every act of evil I wrought upon others through my deceived heart, every imperfection I tried to correct, all of that died along with Him on that day. Satan has labored to have me believe that what Jesus did on that day was not enough to make up for others faults. The entirety of the work He did on the cross for me I was blind to until this day. Sure I saw glimpses of it, hints that there was more to my earthly walk, but the full impact of it is now upon me. Satan has for years had me bound in the self-pitying walk of focusing on my struggles here. I have been mired in the self belief that I was here to learn the lessons God needed me to get, so I could be used by Him. God doesn't want to use me, I am dead. He wants to live through the earthly vessel that resides here on this earth so others can share in the experience of His love that I received full access to on the day I accepted Him. A love I have had stored in my heart, tucked away, only occasionally to be requested when my own resources ran dry. I see now how patiently He has planned and waited for this day for me to recognize the emptiness and futility of the life I have embraced. Any love I would give another in my own flesh would only leave them wanting more. I am an imperfect vessel unable to really love anyone but myself unless Christ is living through me. It is only His love and healing touch that can change the world.

What do I expect of God?

I expect God to act in my life, I want to look for and acknowledge it. He is speaking to me all day long, the choice is simple do I choose God or self? If something is trying to push me off course I have to choose not to pursue my will, but His. I trust God and His power in my life because He knows best. When I am too weak to have any faith left, He remains faithful to me and will help me. He won't diswon me, I am part of Him and He will always carryout His promises. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love. Eph 1:4

Lord

Who is the real lord for me? Is God just a part of who I am or is He my life? God is revealing my god of self. So in reality I have always had another god that has a higher place in my life than the one true God. He has exposed me time and again, encouraging me to examine my own behavior and actions in light of what He is trying to teach me about myself. He uses times when I get angry with others actions or judge them. The scales are lifted one by one and I see that my own actions don't have anything to do with others, only me choosing my self and my desires over God. Even when I believed I was making choices out of love, it was ultimately because doing those things pleased me. He is showing me how I tried to make my way work and how I taught my family and friends by example that self was better than God. This is a very painful revelation to see how my self focused life hurt others also. I know this is part of the process that God began at the moment of my salvation. He is lovingly picking up my broken pieces and making me whole again as I willingly open my heart to Him. As I confess my self focus in trying to take care of and protect myself from hurt instead of trusting God, each piece is patiently restored. I am more aware of the extent of the deception I have embraced, although I feel sure there is more deception to be revealed. In His grace and compassion I know it is already forgiven. What Jesus did was enough and He opens my eyes so I will not cause more pain by pitying myself. Each time I press into my relationship with Jesus, I allow Him to take His rightful place in my Life.
Not only Savior but LORD.

Worry, worry, worry

I've been wrestling with worry. I realize that worry is an indication that I have my foot on Jesus' neck and I am holding Him down so I can sit on His throne. I am the Lord of my life when I worry and my thoughts are focused on how to make my chosen path work. I have confessed that as sin and am trying to walk toward my relationship with God. As I open my heart to His healing I am taking my hands off my life and trusting what He is asking me to do. To walk His chosen path not mine.

Sinking sand

My whole life has been built on the wrong structure. I thought I had built my foundation on the Lord Jesus Christ. Haha, that was a deception. How about building a structure on the slippery sand of self idolatry? The re bar that laid the base of my foundation was my own performance as a "good person" to gain acceptance. A belief that I had proven myself so I was needed by God to help the poor broken people that did not know the things I knew. Oh the pain of realizing how important I am to myself; the wasted years I spent trying to earn the right to be good enough for God.

Again I see, no man is more broken than another, some of us are just more willing to lie to ourselves about our own importance and true purpose. I realize it was only in that selfish idolatry of myself that I was operating. And God patiently waited, and He still accomplished His will in spite of my selfish rebellion. He understands how it all works together, I do not. I believe I cannot, and that is why I get to rest in His arms, knowing it is well even if it feels like chaos.

He shows me all the places I am hanging on to selfish motives with gripped hands. In my unwillingness to acknowledge His wisdom and power as the better one to take the lead, I end up hurting myself and others. There is nothing I can do that would be a better idea than the way God would like to handle it. How ridiculous does it sound that I ever even considered the thought, much less how many times I stepped right up and took the reigns. In realizing this, my attempts to fix others up for God are the makings of a great comedy. Oh the sorrow He must feel as His children leap forward and present themselves as gods. Knowing they have chosen to walk this path away from Him and seeing the hardships and pain they will face as they wade neck deep in their own crap. And still through it all He tells me I am loved not for what I do, but just because I am His. Nothing else. He created me, because He wanted to know me and for me to know His love. As I come to the wonder of this, I am letting go.

And as I look at others, I see He created them, because He wanted to know them and for them to know His love as well. I delight in the freedom that I can do nothing to help another person find happiness, for that would be stepping into their relationship with their creator. God may speak through me or use my physical presence for someone to experience His joy, but that comes from Him not me. It is His party, I just get to be present. They are His gifts he is giving, I just get to see them opened. How relaxing is that, everyday can be a party if I choose to rsvp.

I see now that only God can heal me in the places I feel pain, because that pain comes from believing something that is not true. Jesus is the truth, so that is where my healing resides. And as I see others in pain, trying to find their identity through their interaction with others rather than God, I will lift them up to our creator, who knows them intimately. I bring them to the only foundation that will ever stand, the one that knows the purpose of their creation. Then we can rest together in the knowledge of His love, His power, His wisdom and the fact that His will is always accomplished.

American Idol

I have been faithfully watching the new season of American Idol, with all the quirkiness and talent. But God has been speaking to me of another American Idol that is not on the television.

As you will learn, I have a propensity to fall into judgement and examine my world by looking at others and what they aren't doing. Yes I fell into it again as I was confronted with the selfishness of some of those people closest to me. How could they hurt others that way Lord? They should love their neighbors as themselves Lord. What they are doing is hurting other people, they are just trying to meet their own needs Lord. Help them.

Do you love your neighbors as yourself? God asks. Sure I do. Really? Okay, maybe not my neighbors but, I thought of my husband and my children and how I sacrifice for them. I thought of my friends and family, I love them. Do you love them AS YOURSELF? Look for self in your own heart. Ok I will. The glimpse I saw was so ugly, it took me several days to take a full view.

When I was really willing to look, it was easy to love my husband and children almost all the time. It was easy to do things for them because making them happy made me happy, so my motives were actually self serving. But when there came a time that their behavior disappointed me or I didn't want to do what was asked, I avoided the situation by ignoring it or sometimes I just said no. Sounds like maybe I love myself a little more than them. I even filtered requests from God through my own selfish lens. If I was presented with a person or event that clearly God had placed in my path, I would decide if I felt that person was worthy of my effort or my time. If I was uncomfortable putting myself out there, I would again avoid or just say no. I realized there is not another person I love more than myself, not my friends, family, children, husband and sometimes not even God. I was my own god idolizing myself before anything else.

This could seem helpless, depressing and painful if it were not for the place of freedom that God wanted to take me to as a result of that glimpse. I submitted to my own theocaching and went to the place in myself where I began taking on the task of making myself happy. It all started very young. How young I cannot even tell you. All I know is that He showed me I was born into a family that was experiencing great emotional pain. In the midst of that pain, I came to the conclusion that that pain must be my fault and it was too great for me to experience. I must do whatever I could to not let anyone experience pain. Now this may seem like a great plan that God had for me, a great commission, after all saving people from pain is a noble pursuit.

But He showed me in His compassion how I have spent a lifetime pursuing peace, but experiencing pain every time I failed. He also showed me that at its deepest root was selfishness. The real reason I wanted peace was so that I would not feel the pain. But it was not authentic peace it was a man made peace that also brought emptiness and pain. God showed me times in my life I have expereinced pain. In the midst of my pain He has spoken to me of places He wants to heal me. Every time I have chosen to open myself up to Him and trust Him, He shows me He has raised me up to where I am. He is my joy, my peace, my healer.

I was freed from the belief that I was responsible for maintaining my peace and keeping those I love free from pain. Because when I experience pain, I know it reveals a lie I believe about what I was created for. There is freedom from the idol of myself.

Poisoned Apples

What are my poison apples? God has been challenging me to listen to my body as of late. What? I have already given Him my ear, now I have to listen to my body? He has been dealing with me on areas of control and eating is one of those. I began to look at how and why I eat certain things.

So I know I have always had a problem with sugar, so I chose to start there. I would choose sugar first before other healthier options. The most success I have ever had dieting was when I followed a diabetic diet. I stumbled along a website called radiant recovery that talked about sugar addiction and ways to reset the body biochemically with vitamins and eating patterns. The addiction ranges from sugars and carbs to alcohol or drug addiction. The more I read the more I saw my self in the behaviors associated with the condition. I was as addicted to sugar as any alcoholic or drug addict, I have tried many times to stop under my own power and have failed. So thank you God for leading me to that information, it has changed me.

It explained the chemical reaction the sugar sensitive body goes through when it has sugar(even artificial sweeteners), alcohol, caffeine or white flour. I ran across a funny saying. Sugar, caffeine and white flour are refined from a plant, they can't be bad, its natural. Cocaine, heroin, alcohol and many other deadly things are refined from natural plants as well, that doesn't mean they aren't poison.

Flour was not a problem since I don't eat wheat of any kind. I already knew that was poison Apple #1. Give up COFFEE, NOOOOO! I like coffee. Okay God, I'll try, even though I have tried before and failed. I read somewhere that if multi-vitamins and b-complex were taken each time I began to feel the affects of caffeine withdrawal it would keep the headache at bay. It only took 3 days to rid my system of the drug and the headache was kept at bay with vitamins 3 times a day. I realized if my body had that bad of a reaction, caffeine probably was a poison. Apple #2, gone. I don't want to bite that apple again. SUGAR, hmm.

Here is where I had the argument with God. God, what's wrong with sugar? It's not poison, it's good, it makes me happy. If your body says its poison, for you its poison. I realized I was trying to be god in trying to hold on to something that made me happy, and take control over a body God created. Maybe snickers bars don't work in my gas tank any better than they work in my car's gas tank. Okay God, I've tried before so you will have to take over here.

I was up for an experiment. I began taking DMG, a (b-vitamin), to help stabilize my craving for sugar. From the first day of no caffeine and taking this supplement, I have not needed or craved sugar of any kind. Sure I have had sugar, it is hard to avoid, but there is no trigger to want more. No sweeteners, no alcohol, no reaching for a candy bar at the store, poison apple #3. GONE. Thank you God, I know none of that was from my effort. No amount of self control or will that I have tried to engage in the past has ever brought me to the freedom that listening to the body you designed has given me.

Listening to God through my body that He created, instead of listening to my own misguided reasoning when it comes to health, is better for me. Don't have it down yet but at least I am walking down the path with God.

Broken is Broken

I know its been several months but God is up to something big these last four months and my head is so full all day long, I don't know how to write it down. God is taking me and turning me upside down and inside out. My husband says I'm "out there". Well if I'm with God I am cool with being out there. God called a party tonight at 1 am, I was the only invited guest and I will share with you some of our conversation.

Many people close to me seem to be struggling with brokenness lately. For some it is their own brokenness, and for others it is the brokenness of people close to them. Either way I have experienced that we all are actually dealing with the reality of our own brokenness. As I have looked at my own brokenness, I realize I must choose one of two paths. Path #1 Stop and listen to what God has to say to them about their reactions to the situations. Path #2 Grip tighter to my belief that I am in control and can provide for my own emotional needs.

One comment during this time really struck me. "I am just glad my friend isn't as broken as your friend". What a funny comment, I was so thankful for it. It allowed me to see I might compare myself and others to determine if someone is acceptable. God quickly let me see the reality of the society we live in where people don't experience His unconditional love, but rejection from one who calls themself one of His.

BROKEN IS BROKEN there are no degrees. I may be able to hide some flaws better than others, but it doesn't change the fact I am broken. I am not functioning as I was designed if I am trying to get ANY of my needs met under my own power. If I look at another human being and believe they are more broken than I, I am deceived. Every man is born self focused, struggling to meet their own needs. Without Jesus, I am left to being my own god.

The only way to operate in a completely flawless condition is to acknowledge that I am unable to be my own provider, protector, healer, my own god. To step aside and leave behind the path of idolizing myself and my opinion about what is wrong with me or someone else. I need only to hand myself over to the one that knows all of my complexities, knows how I was designed and for what I was purposed. Allow God to be God and no one else.