Liar Liar

My favorite line in an email I got today was - You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

So true, so true. And what is so funny is that many times everyone else can see your lying to yourself and thinking your getting away with it, and they are usually just too polite to point it out anyway.

But why would I lie to myself?
Alas, I feel it has something to do with mirrors and mircophones. I would lie to myself because

I LOVE MYSELF MORE THAN I LOVE GOD.

I know when my actions or words are not the reflection of a vessel submitted to God's love flowing through me. I suppose in those moments I would rather not look in the mirror or listen to what God is saying so He has to resort to the microphone as of late. As I said earlier, I have agreed to listen without microphones, so life is much more peaceful these days.

GOD says, in Romans chapter 14—every man must be persuaded in his own mind that what he is doing is right. Happy is the man who is not condemned in his own heart in that thing he is allowing himself to do.

This feels like a perfect illustration of how I was functioning before I realized the manner in which God has been communicating with me lately. Well probably for my entire life, but I just got it. Obviously my actions were based on the belief however flawed it was, that it was okay to control my own environment and judge myself and others on how life was going. But in reality, I knew there wasn't authentic joy and peace under the surface. And nothing in my own power could provide that. So even in my own mind while I was trying to "persuade myself that what I was doing was right", God's was speaking and He was loving me and patiently waiting for me to choose to listen.

Why was I created?

Why was I created? Why did God save me? So that I can work for God and someday I will go to heaven? That seems crazy, that is like saying that the reason I am on earth is to have a successful life and live in Texas.

As I mulled this over, I thought about God creating Adam and placing him in the garden. Yes he was placed there to care for God's creation on earth. But it was caring for the place God had provided for him. The place where they dwelt together. God also blessed him with companionship.

As I compare this to my own existence and the purpose for my creation, I am left with one conclusion. I was created to love and to be loved in return. Exclusively with God.
I WAS CREATED TO LOVE GOD AND TO BE LOVED BY GOD IN RETURN.
Nothing else, how amazing is that? The whole reason for my existence was taken away with Adam, leaving me to try to get my need for love met under my own control. But it was returned to me by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, He restored my relationship with God. My whole existence simultaneously is exclusively about God AND me. He saved me so that I would no longer be separated from God and His love and I can love Him and experience His love in return.

So what does this look like here on earth. I see that every minute of my day God is in relationship with me. An intimate, loving relationship. He has blessed me with the companionship of my family and friends to that I can experience His love through them. He also uses my experience with others to speak to ME about OUR love relationship. He is simultaneously carrying on a personal conversation on every side of any event. Every time I submit as a vessel and allow Him to use me as a way for others to experience His love, it is my conversation with Him, my act of worship, the purpose for which I was created, to love God.

The Tree of Knowledge

WHAT IS WRONG WITH KNOWLEDGE? Recently I was asked about my fruit. Specifically if my fruit was born from the Tree of Knowlege of good and evil or the Tree of Life. I responded with what's wrong with knowledge? In an instant I could see how easy it was for satan to deceive Adam and Eve. God is the source of eternal life and blessing. Adam and Eve were to have their life centered in Him, not on deciding what is good and bad. If my fruit is from the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil than am I taking control of the judgement seatfrom God? God has already told us there is good and evil in the world and He will judge. All I have to do is believe and take my hands off of it. I do not want to bear fruit from the tree of Knowledge.

The Tree of Life. In Ezekiel 47:12 it refers to trees whose ‘fruit will be for food and their leaves for healing’. In Proverbs there are references to things as ‘a tree of life’ (wisdom (3:15), the fruit of the righteous (11:30), desire fulfilled (13:12), and a soothing tongue (15:4)) that the Tree of Life in these brings joy and healing to people. That is the tree I want my fruit to come from Lord.

How am I different?

Over the course of the last several years I have been praying with people through a process called Theophostic prayer. I have listened to hurting people go to places that they have been unloved or unwanted. It could be something as simple as feeling all alone in the world or some kind of abuse. Both simple and seemingly catastrophic events leave the same wounds. All wounds bleed not just the bad ones.

Last week I had an intense conversation with God about why others do things that hurt people. (Did you notice I didn't start this conversation by looking in the mirror? Not to worry, my slow learning will catch up to me eventually.) So essentially I started out by trying to GOSSIP. It is insane how quickly my self righteousness creeps in my thoughts, even in a conversation with GOD. I was trying to tell Him how flawed His magnificent creations really were, how their choices and actions hurt me. Guess what, he didn't want to talk about them! He wanted to talk about me.

He asked me this question. How are you different than them? I was a victim once, I had been hurt by sexual abuse as a small child. The thoughts came to my mind of people we had prayed with: those who had been hurt by sexual abuse, infidelity, pornography, violence, neglect, judgement, and the list goes on and on.... I thought about the people that had inflicted those wounds. How was I different?

Again God brought me to control. I see now that all of these people have one thing in common, they were all trying to get their own needs met under their own power and control. If any of our thoughts are self focused than we justify our actions under the notion that we should be allowed to meet our own needs. That is how satan deceives and uses those actions to wound others.

So, do I function in the same way? Taking control of areas in my life to get my own needs met instead of trusting that God is my provider and protector? Yes, I had fallen for the deception that my needs and happiness are a priority just the same as every man that was born unto Adam. So no, I AM NO DIFFERENT. But God, I rebelled, their offenses, they seem more grievous than mine. Judgement, He responded. I realize in that moment again, I believe I am better than them, because I would not do THAT. There is no difference, I am no different than a murderer or an abuser or anyone else because the offense is thinking that my life is about me and my needs and desires.

No more microphones

God has been giving me metaphorical mirrors as of late. He also has graciously enabled me to hear clearly what is really going on by using a microphone so His voice is amplified these days. As I have said earlier, it is much easier for me to pretend my mirrors are glass windows. I want to think God is trying to show me the person holding that mirror and how they need me to help them become a better person or to pray for them. Obviously I have been unwilling in some way to actually look in the mirror He is providing and go to that place with God. Perhaps I believe God created me to help others, but I am pretty sure He doesn't really NEED me to help, so what is it. Okay, God I am listening, no more microphones.

Mirrors

Back to the mirror again. It is there in front of me multiple times a day. It is dawning on me that this is God's primary communication tool for our relationship. As I walk through my day and the people he calls me to interact with I see He is speaking to me every day, all day. One example occured the other day while I was interacting with a verizon phone tech. She was informing me that I had declined insurance on a replacement phone two months ago and this problem really wasn't covered. I could feel myself reacting and wanting to allow something other than love to spew forth. In that moment God gently tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to go with Him to look into the mirror that this vessel (the verizon tech) was holding up for me. God was calling me to a conversation about why I was feeling these emotions and what beliefs were fueling them. Why did I feel justified in allowing anything to flow out of me toward one of God's magnificent creations other than love? Perhaps I had chosen to take control of getting my own perceived needs met and my needs clearly were not being met. Perhaps I decided my needs were more important than God's desire for them to experience His love through me. Then in the instant it took for me to submit my will to His all emotion related to the situation left me. I saw the experience for what it was, another vessel being used as a mirror for God to have a personal conversation with me. As I walk through each day, I marvel at the simultaneous simplicity and intricasies of God and all His creation. It is my walk of worship with Him.

The Big JC

The Big JC Judgement and Control. That is the theme of my conversation with God lately.

I already got it that control is really an illusion and I am daily taking my hands off anything that is revealed to me that I still have my little strings of control on, so judgement is the next section of my curriculum apparently.

God is speaking to me through all creation, including my relationships with other people. One recent situation that I encountered has taught me alot about myself. It all started innocently enough, a friend fabricated a story to cover something they were ashamed for the world to know. That falsehood ignited judgement and then gossip. Gossip led to more judgement and unforgiveness. Which led to more judgement and strife. As I was called to respond for the other person's actions, God spoke to me about the situation itself and my reaction to it.

I myself did not react negatively, this was a direct resut of God dealing with me recently on not encouraging another to seek my approval for their actions. That person is God's amazing creation and their whole existence here is about their relationship with Him. If I feel they need to earn my approval then I am standing in the way of that relationship. I can also see then that I am desiring for them to look to man not to God for their worth. I am taking God's place and choosing to sit in judgement of whether their treatment of myself and others is acceptable, and how successful they are at accomplishing what I think they should be doing. That is me taking control of God's job of guiding and directing them for His purposes.

I wonder what would have happened if the person had never experienced judgement before that day, would they have felt compelled to create a falsehood? What did they believe would happen if they spoke truth or nothing at all? Could it be they feared being judged unacceptable in some way?

I realize that I have been very deceived. I have always considered it a great blessing that I am not a judgemental person, very forgiving and accepting. Did you catch that? Very FORGIVING and ACCEPTING. Interesting how God holds up the mirror to speak to me about myself and all I want to do is peek around it to look around at others faults. Get that mirror out of the way God, I can't see!

Then revelation, I was judgemental. If I wasn't judging why did I need to be forgiving and accepting of their faults. Somehow I was comparing and making sure my faults were not as bad as their faults. I was being God's little helper, judging and then acknowedging their flaws. Perhaps I believed I was being used by God to counsel them or trying to help them become a better person. Ha! Perhaps he was using them to hold up the mirror so He could counsel me and try to help me become a better vessel of His love.