My whole life has been built on the wrong structure. I thought I had built my foundation on the Lord Jesus Christ. Haha, that was a deception. How about building a structure on the slippery sand of self idolatry? The re bar that laid the base of my foundation was my own performance as a "good person" to gain acceptance. A belief that I had proven myself so I was needed by God to help the poor broken people that did not know the things I knew. Oh the pain of realizing how important I am to myself; the wasted years I spent trying to earn the right to be good enough for God.
Again I see, no man is more broken than another, some of us are just more willing to lie to ourselves about our own importance and true purpose. I realize it was only in that selfish idolatry of myself that I was operating. And God patiently waited, and He still accomplished His will in spite of my selfish rebellion. He understands how it all works together, I do not. I believe I cannot, and that is why I get to rest in His arms, knowing it is well even if it feels like chaos.
He shows me all the places I am hanging on to selfish motives with gripped hands. In my unwillingness to acknowledge His wisdom and power as the better one to take the lead, I end up hurting myself and others. There is nothing I can do that would be a better idea than the way God would like to handle it. How ridiculous does it sound that I ever even considered the thought, much less how many times I stepped right up and took the reigns. In realizing this, my attempts to fix others up for God are the makings of a great comedy. Oh the sorrow He must feel as His children leap forward and present themselves as gods. Knowing they have chosen to walk this path away from Him and seeing the hardships and pain they will face as they wade neck deep in their own crap. And still through it all He tells me I am loved not for what I do, but just because I am His. Nothing else. He created me, because He wanted to know me and for me to know His love. As I come to the wonder of this, I am letting go.
And as I look at others, I see He created them, because He wanted to know them and for them to know His love as well. I delight in the freedom that I can do nothing to help another person find happiness, for that would be stepping into their relationship with their creator. God may speak through me or use my physical presence for someone to experience His joy, but that comes from Him not me. It is His party, I just get to be present. They are His gifts he is giving, I just get to see them opened. How relaxing is that, everyday can be a party if I choose to rsvp.
I see now that only God can heal me in the places I feel pain, because that pain comes from believing something that is not true. Jesus is the truth, so that is where my healing resides. And as I see others in pain, trying to find their identity through their interaction with others rather than God, I will lift them up to our creator, who knows them intimately. I bring them to the only foundation that will ever stand, the one that knows the purpose of their creation. Then we can rest together in the knowledge of His love, His power, His wisdom and the fact that His will is always accomplished.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
American Idol
I have been faithfully watching the new season of American Idol, with all the quirkiness and talent. But God has been speaking to me of another American Idol that is not on the television.
As you will learn, I have a propensity to fall into judgement and examine my world by looking at others and what they aren't doing. Yes I fell into it again as I was confronted with the selfishness of some of those people closest to me. How could they hurt others that way Lord? They should love their neighbors as themselves Lord. What they are doing is hurting other people, they are just trying to meet their own needs Lord. Help them.
Do you love your neighbors as yourself? God asks. Sure I do. Really? Okay, maybe not my neighbors but, I thought of my husband and my children and how I sacrifice for them. I thought of my friends and family, I love them. Do you love them AS YOURSELF? Look for self in your own heart. Ok I will. The glimpse I saw was so ugly, it took me several days to take a full view.
When I was really willing to look, it was easy to love my husband and children almost all the time. It was easy to do things for them because making them happy made me happy, so my motives were actually self serving. But when there came a time that their behavior disappointed me or I didn't want to do what was asked, I avoided the situation by ignoring it or sometimes I just said no. Sounds like maybe I love myself a little more than them. I even filtered requests from God through my own selfish lens. If I was presented with a person or event that clearly God had placed in my path, I would decide if I felt that person was worthy of my effort or my time. If I was uncomfortable putting myself out there, I would again avoid or just say no. I realized there is not another person I love more than myself, not my friends, family, children, husband and sometimes not even God. I was my own god idolizing myself before anything else.
This could seem helpless, depressing and painful if it were not for the place of freedom that God wanted to take me to as a result of that glimpse. I submitted to my own theocaching and went to the place in myself where I began taking on the task of making myself happy. It all started very young. How young I cannot even tell you. All I know is that He showed me I was born into a family that was experiencing great emotional pain. In the midst of that pain, I came to the conclusion that that pain must be my fault and it was too great for me to experience. I must do whatever I could to not let anyone experience pain. Now this may seem like a great plan that God had for me, a great commission, after all saving people from pain is a noble pursuit.
But He showed me in His compassion how I have spent a lifetime pursuing peace, but experiencing pain every time I failed. He also showed me that at its deepest root was selfishness. The real reason I wanted peace was so that I would not feel the pain. But it was not authentic peace it was a man made peace that also brought emptiness and pain. God showed me times in my life I have expereinced pain. In the midst of my pain He has spoken to me of places He wants to heal me. Every time I have chosen to open myself up to Him and trust Him, He shows me He has raised me up to where I am. He is my joy, my peace, my healer.
I was freed from the belief that I was responsible for maintaining my peace and keeping those I love free from pain. Because when I experience pain, I know it reveals a lie I believe about what I was created for. There is freedom from the idol of myself.
As you will learn, I have a propensity to fall into judgement and examine my world by looking at others and what they aren't doing. Yes I fell into it again as I was confronted with the selfishness of some of those people closest to me. How could they hurt others that way Lord? They should love their neighbors as themselves Lord. What they are doing is hurting other people, they are just trying to meet their own needs Lord. Help them.
Do you love your neighbors as yourself? God asks. Sure I do. Really? Okay, maybe not my neighbors but, I thought of my husband and my children and how I sacrifice for them. I thought of my friends and family, I love them. Do you love them AS YOURSELF? Look for self in your own heart. Ok I will. The glimpse I saw was so ugly, it took me several days to take a full view.
When I was really willing to look, it was easy to love my husband and children almost all the time. It was easy to do things for them because making them happy made me happy, so my motives were actually self serving. But when there came a time that their behavior disappointed me or I didn't want to do what was asked, I avoided the situation by ignoring it or sometimes I just said no. Sounds like maybe I love myself a little more than them. I even filtered requests from God through my own selfish lens. If I was presented with a person or event that clearly God had placed in my path, I would decide if I felt that person was worthy of my effort or my time. If I was uncomfortable putting myself out there, I would again avoid or just say no. I realized there is not another person I love more than myself, not my friends, family, children, husband and sometimes not even God. I was my own god idolizing myself before anything else.
This could seem helpless, depressing and painful if it were not for the place of freedom that God wanted to take me to as a result of that glimpse. I submitted to my own theocaching and went to the place in myself where I began taking on the task of making myself happy. It all started very young. How young I cannot even tell you. All I know is that He showed me I was born into a family that was experiencing great emotional pain. In the midst of that pain, I came to the conclusion that that pain must be my fault and it was too great for me to experience. I must do whatever I could to not let anyone experience pain. Now this may seem like a great plan that God had for me, a great commission, after all saving people from pain is a noble pursuit.
But He showed me in His compassion how I have spent a lifetime pursuing peace, but experiencing pain every time I failed. He also showed me that at its deepest root was selfishness. The real reason I wanted peace was so that I would not feel the pain. But it was not authentic peace it was a man made peace that also brought emptiness and pain. God showed me times in my life I have expereinced pain. In the midst of my pain He has spoken to me of places He wants to heal me. Every time I have chosen to open myself up to Him and trust Him, He shows me He has raised me up to where I am. He is my joy, my peace, my healer.
I was freed from the belief that I was responsible for maintaining my peace and keeping those I love free from pain. Because when I experience pain, I know it reveals a lie I believe about what I was created for. There is freedom from the idol of myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
