How am I different?

Over the course of the last several years I have been praying with people through a process called Theophostic prayer. I have listened to hurting people go to places that they have been unloved or unwanted. It could be something as simple as feeling all alone in the world or some kind of abuse. Both simple and seemingly catastrophic events leave the same wounds. All wounds bleed not just the bad ones.

Last week I had an intense conversation with God about why others do things that hurt people. (Did you notice I didn't start this conversation by looking in the mirror? Not to worry, my slow learning will catch up to me eventually.) So essentially I started out by trying to GOSSIP. It is insane how quickly my self righteousness creeps in my thoughts, even in a conversation with GOD. I was trying to tell Him how flawed His magnificent creations really were, how their choices and actions hurt me. Guess what, he didn't want to talk about them! He wanted to talk about me.

He asked me this question. How are you different than them? I was a victim once, I had been hurt by sexual abuse as a small child. The thoughts came to my mind of people we had prayed with: those who had been hurt by sexual abuse, infidelity, pornography, violence, neglect, judgement, and the list goes on and on.... I thought about the people that had inflicted those wounds. How was I different?

Again God brought me to control. I see now that all of these people have one thing in common, they were all trying to get their own needs met under their own power and control. If any of our thoughts are self focused than we justify our actions under the notion that we should be allowed to meet our own needs. That is how satan deceives and uses those actions to wound others.

So, do I function in the same way? Taking control of areas in my life to get my own needs met instead of trusting that God is my provider and protector? Yes, I had fallen for the deception that my needs and happiness are a priority just the same as every man that was born unto Adam. So no, I AM NO DIFFERENT. But God, I rebelled, their offenses, they seem more grievous than mine. Judgement, He responded. I realize in that moment again, I believe I am better than them, because I would not do THAT. There is no difference, I am no different than a murderer or an abuser or anyone else because the offense is thinking that my life is about me and my needs and desires.