American Idol

I have been faithfully watching the new season of American Idol, with all the quirkiness and talent. But God has been speaking to me of another American Idol that is not on the television.

As you will learn, I have a propensity to fall into judgement and examine my world by looking at others and what they aren't doing. Yes I fell into it again as I was confronted with the selfishness of some of those people closest to me. How could they hurt others that way Lord? They should love their neighbors as themselves Lord. What they are doing is hurting other people, they are just trying to meet their own needs Lord. Help them.

Do you love your neighbors as yourself? God asks. Sure I do. Really? Okay, maybe not my neighbors but, I thought of my husband and my children and how I sacrifice for them. I thought of my friends and family, I love them. Do you love them AS YOURSELF? Look for self in your own heart. Ok I will. The glimpse I saw was so ugly, it took me several days to take a full view.

When I was really willing to look, it was easy to love my husband and children almost all the time. It was easy to do things for them because making them happy made me happy, so my motives were actually self serving. But when there came a time that their behavior disappointed me or I didn't want to do what was asked, I avoided the situation by ignoring it or sometimes I just said no. Sounds like maybe I love myself a little more than them. I even filtered requests from God through my own selfish lens. If I was presented with a person or event that clearly God had placed in my path, I would decide if I felt that person was worthy of my effort or my time. If I was uncomfortable putting myself out there, I would again avoid or just say no. I realized there is not another person I love more than myself, not my friends, family, children, husband and sometimes not even God. I was my own god idolizing myself before anything else.

This could seem helpless, depressing and painful if it were not for the place of freedom that God wanted to take me to as a result of that glimpse. I submitted to my own theocaching and went to the place in myself where I began taking on the task of making myself happy. It all started very young. How young I cannot even tell you. All I know is that He showed me I was born into a family that was experiencing great emotional pain. In the midst of that pain, I came to the conclusion that that pain must be my fault and it was too great for me to experience. I must do whatever I could to not let anyone experience pain. Now this may seem like a great plan that God had for me, a great commission, after all saving people from pain is a noble pursuit.

But He showed me in His compassion how I have spent a lifetime pursuing peace, but experiencing pain every time I failed. He also showed me that at its deepest root was selfishness. The real reason I wanted peace was so that I would not feel the pain. But it was not authentic peace it was a man made peace that also brought emptiness and pain. God showed me times in my life I have expereinced pain. In the midst of my pain He has spoken to me of places He wants to heal me. Every time I have chosen to open myself up to Him and trust Him, He shows me He has raised me up to where I am. He is my joy, my peace, my healer.

I was freed from the belief that I was responsible for maintaining my peace and keeping those I love free from pain. Because when I experience pain, I know it reveals a lie I believe about what I was created for. There is freedom from the idol of myself.