Lonliness

All behavior that is not God directed is an attempt to avoid the pain of loneliness. I pondered this thought for a while. So when I act on my own and not under God's direction and authority I am actually not trusting that God is with me or for me. And yet any action apart from God's will in and of itself invite satan's lies that I am alone. By choosing not to listen to His voice but my own, I choose to be my own god and create an environment of solitude, which is the essence of loneliness. I believe that I must take action to ensure my happiness, revealing my true belief that God is not enough for me. But these very actions set up a lose/lose situation in my life, I can't heal myself, and I am not trusting that God can or would heal me. If I stay in this place I am screwed, doomed to failure. Am I not getting freedom because of my will? Am I staying in my current position because I am choosing not to address the things God is revealing to me in my life that don't line up with His truth? Procrastination is just my way of trying to escape the fear of being exposed as a failure. The choice to procrastinate actually is a failure to face whatever it is I am avoiding. Each time I am angry, confused, frustrated or hurt I realize God is pursuing me to turn to Him for healing. I want to open my heart to the truth of the things He so desperately wants to heal in me. I am so thankful He continues to pursue me in spite of my stubborn resistance. He knows whats best and that there is true peace on the other side of that healing.