Relationship

I realize I can't change myself. There is an empty place inside of me that I can't fill. I was made for relationship. The confusing thing is, the world tells me to seek that relationship here with other broken vessels. As I enter into these relationships, I find I get hurt, they are messy. I end up feeling betrayed, used, rejected and abandoned on some level. The empty place inside of me is still empty and I have baggage stacked in front of the wall I have erected around that empty place that I so desperately want filled. But since there is a barrier there, neither man nor God can fill that place. As God has taken me along this healing journey to wholeness, He has asked me to tear down the wall and to allow Him to take the burden of the baggage. He has shown me what a real relationship involves, allowing Him to fill the place He created in me. As I rest in my relationship with Him and open my heart to His love and truth, there is never judgement or condemnation there. Real relationship involves giving and receiving love without barriers to vulnerability, being me and allowing another to be them in their frailty, not expecting that they be perfect for us to continue. I in my imperfect human form, can attempt to emulate God's love in my earthly relationships. I know that even though my intentions are good, this will fail. I find myself looking at their flaws and wanting them to get their healing, but not expecting the same standard for myself. If it is done under my own power and control, I will end up failing those I love, because I am human and broken. Knowing that it is our very brokenness that brings us to our Father's feet for healing, I am at peace with this. If I will allow God to love those that are so important to me through my vessel, His love will not fail them. He alone can love them unconditionally through me. I cannot know or provide the things they need to have their empty place filled, because that place is reserved for their relationship with God alone. Any attempt on my part will be a poor replicate that will only bring the pain of loneliness in the end. I trust Him alone, for He is the healer and the only path to our wholeness.