Who Am I?

I have struggled with the phrase "Fear God". Every time I encounter God, I see nothing to fear. He is endlessly merciful, compassionate and kind. Psalm 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. He has been with us every second since before creation. Ephesians 1:4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love. He lovingly created me in His infinite wisdom to perfection that only He understands. John 17:24 "Father, I want those you have given me, to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Things I see as imperfect, He has a use and purpose for His glory. Who Am I to sit on the throne of Jesus Christ and judge myself and others? Who Am I to cast Jesus aside and hold offense at anothers actions that were wrought from a deceived heart? Who Am I to hold others to any expectations? I should be in fear for my life for I have walked in all of these. But no, He forgives me. Another word for fear is awe. I understand and am in awe of a God who could still love me as I selfishly tried to sit on a throne that I gave no sacrifice for. I understand "Fear God" now.

The Cross

I have been on a journey to the cross. I accepted the cross many years ago as my ticket to heaven. I believed that Jesus died to forgive me of my sins so I could go to heaven. And even though this life had crap laced throughout everyday, I would have real peace and joy when I left this place and returned to my father. The enormity of this deception has awoken me this morning. I died the day I accepted Jesus. Each time I took His throne to focus on and glorify my self, I was dismissing the work He did for me that day. He died for all my sins, the life I tried to live FOR God, all the work I did to save others, my frailty, every act of evil I wrought upon others through my deceived heart, every imperfection I tried to correct, all of that died along with Him on that day. Satan has labored to have me believe that what Jesus did on that day was not enough to make up for others faults. The entirety of the work He did on the cross for me I was blind to until this day. Sure I saw glimpses of it, hints that there was more to my earthly walk, but the full impact of it is now upon me. Satan has for years had me bound in the self-pitying walk of focusing on my struggles here. I have been mired in the self belief that I was here to learn the lessons God needed me to get, so I could be used by Him. God doesn't want to use me, I am dead. He wants to live through the earthly vessel that resides here on this earth so others can share in the experience of His love that I received full access to on the day I accepted Him. A love I have had stored in my heart, tucked away, only occasionally to be requested when my own resources ran dry. I see now how patiently He has planned and waited for this day for me to recognize the emptiness and futility of the life I have embraced. Any love I would give another in my own flesh would only leave them wanting more. I am an imperfect vessel unable to really love anyone but myself unless Christ is living through me. It is only His love and healing touch that can change the world.

What do I expect of God?

I expect God to act in my life, I want to look for and acknowledge it. He is speaking to me all day long, the choice is simple do I choose God or self? If something is trying to push me off course I have to choose not to pursue my will, but His. I trust God and His power in my life because He knows best. When I am too weak to have any faith left, He remains faithful to me and will help me. He won't diswon me, I am part of Him and He will always carryout His promises. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love. Eph 1:4

Lord

Who is the real lord for me? Is God just a part of who I am or is He my life? God is revealing my god of self. So in reality I have always had another god that has a higher place in my life than the one true God. He has exposed me time and again, encouraging me to examine my own behavior and actions in light of what He is trying to teach me about myself. He uses times when I get angry with others actions or judge them. The scales are lifted one by one and I see that my own actions don't have anything to do with others, only me choosing my self and my desires over God. Even when I believed I was making choices out of love, it was ultimately because doing those things pleased me. He is showing me how I tried to make my way work and how I taught my family and friends by example that self was better than God. This is a very painful revelation to see how my self focused life hurt others also. I know this is part of the process that God began at the moment of my salvation. He is lovingly picking up my broken pieces and making me whole again as I willingly open my heart to Him. As I confess my self focus in trying to take care of and protect myself from hurt instead of trusting God, each piece is patiently restored. I am more aware of the extent of the deception I have embraced, although I feel sure there is more deception to be revealed. In His grace and compassion I know it is already forgiven. What Jesus did was enough and He opens my eyes so I will not cause more pain by pitying myself. Each time I press into my relationship with Jesus, I allow Him to take His rightful place in my Life.
Not only Savior but LORD.

Worry, worry, worry

I've been wrestling with worry. I realize that worry is an indication that I have my foot on Jesus' neck and I am holding Him down so I can sit on His throne. I am the Lord of my life when I worry and my thoughts are focused on how to make my chosen path work. I have confessed that as sin and am trying to walk toward my relationship with God. As I open my heart to His healing I am taking my hands off my life and trusting what He is asking me to do. To walk His chosen path not mine.